i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
