from now on my penis is your penis
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
