If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
