i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
