Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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