So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
