Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
