So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
