I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
