Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
