Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
