Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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