When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she smelled like a LAN party
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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