I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
