I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
