He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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