I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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