If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
