can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
