my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
