Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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