you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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