Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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