You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
