grandma shit on top of the toilet
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
