Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
