I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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