guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I AM VODKA MAN
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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