so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
