Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
