I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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