her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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