I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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