I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
