Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
