i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
