WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
