oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
