Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
