We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Randomize
