i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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