you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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