The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
