Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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