Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
