You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
