I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
