I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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