I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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