Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
