closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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