I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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